So yous desire to find "the one" eh? You're sick and tired of all the dating apps and websites and trying to meet people in your kickball league? And how many awkward first dates can you go along to find a "normal" person? And what'southward with all the fake personalities and flaky people who seem more than interested in themselves and tin't be bothered to brand a slight change in their schedule to, you know, go out with you?

If this describes the bulk of your romantic life, I want you to open up your mind a trivial and kickoff looking at things a little differently from now on.

First, consider this: everyone wants a perfect partner, but few people want to be the perfect partner. 1

I think the vast majority of issues around "finding someone" are caused by uneven expectations similar this.

But when you flip this on its head and you lot start taking a little more responsibility in this expanse of your life—when you start focusing on what kind of life you lot want to live and what kind of partner you lot want to be—you'll start to meet all the flakes and narcissists and liars fade into the background. Yous'll showtime making genuine connections with people and make each other'due south lives more than enjoyable.

For years, I probably obsessed a little also much over this part of my life. Just after stumbling through one unhealthy relationship subsequently another, I learned a very important lesson: the best way to observe an amazing person is to go an amazing person. 2

So, if yous're willing to have an open up mind—and accept a painful look at yourself—so read on.

Permit'southward brainstorm with perchance a assuming statement: The root of all unattractiveness is neediness; the root of all bewitchery is non-neediness.

But what exactly is neediness?

Neediness occurs when you lot place a higher priority on what others recollect of you than what you call back of yourself.

Whatsoever time yous alter your words or behavior to fit someone else's needs rather than your own, that is needy. Whatsoever time you lie almost your interests, hobbies, or background, that is needy. Any time you lot pursue a goal to impress others rather than fulfill yourself, that is needy.

Dating advice: neediness

Whereas virtually people focus on what behavior is attractive/unattractive, what determines neediness (and therefore, attractiveness) is the why backside your behavior. Yous tin say the coolest thing or practice what everyone else does, but if you practise it for the wrong reason, it will come off as needy and desperate and plough people off.

"Information technology'southward not the what of your behavior that is attractive or unattractive, it's the why of your behavior."

People tin can sense needy behavior right away—chances are you tin tell when someone is existence needy for your attention or amore—and it'due south a major turn off. This is because neediness is actually a form of manipulation, and people take a keen nose for manipulative bullshit.

Think about information technology, if you're interim needy, you're trying to get someone to recall of you in a sure way or human activity a certain manner towards you for your own benefit. Think about the fashion you feel when someone is blatantly trying to sell you something with loftier-pressure level, salesy tricks. It only feels wrong. It'due south a similar feeling when someone is acting in a certain way merely to get you to like them.

Now, we all go needy at times because, of course, we do care about what others think of united states. That'due south a fact of human nature. Just the key here is that, at the terminate of the twenty-four hours, y'all should intendance more about what you lot think of yourself than what others recollect.

Examples of neediness in your life

How needy/non-needy you are permeates everything in your life and is reflected in all your behavior. And I mean all of it.

A few examples:

  • A needy person wants their friends to think they're cool or funny or smart and volition constantly endeavour to impress them with their coolness or humor or smart opinions nearly everything. A non-needy person simply enjoys spending time with their friends for the sake of spending time with them and doesn't feel the need to perform effectually them.
  • A needy person buys dress based on whether or not they think other people will recollect they look adept in them (or at least what they retrieve is "safe" to wearable). A non-needy person buys clothes based on their own personal sense of style they've developed over time.
  • A needy person stays at a soul-crushing job they detest because of the prestige it gives them in the eyes of their friends, family, and peers. A non-needy person values their fourth dimension and skills more than what other people think and will detect work that fulfills and challenges them based on their own values.
  • A needy person will try to impress a engagement by dropping hints about how much money they brand or important people they know or dated or where they went to school. A non-needy person genuinely merely tries to get to know the other person to find out if they're compatible with one another.

We behave in needy ways when we feel bad about ourselves. We try to use the affection and approval of others to compensate for the lack of affection and approval for ourselves. And that is another root cause of our dating bug: our disability to have intendance of ourselves.

More Resources on Getting Rid of Neediness

  1. Models: Attract Women through Honesty – My volume, Models, is pretty much entirely based on the thought of ridding your life of neediness. Yes, it'southward written for men, merely I've had a lot of women, gay men, lesbians, trans people, etc. write to me over the years saying they got a lot out of it. Information technology'due south non so much a volume about dating as it is about getting your life together.
  2. The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck – This article would later on inspire my book by the same name. Getting over your neediness means y'all cull to non give a fuck about what others volition think of you for expressing yourself honestly.
  3. Change Your Mind Well-nigh Dating – This is a expect at how your dating life might look if yous weren't constantly worrying near what other people thought of you; i.e., if you weren't being needy all the fourth dimension.
  4. The Dismal State of Flirting in English-Speaking Cultures – If you recall displays of romantic and/or sexual interest should be shrouded in derogatory barrack with ane another—well, think near how fucked up that is for a moment and then…read this article.

No 1 can meet your value every bit a person if you don't value yourself first. And taking care of yourself, when done from a place of not-neediness, is what demonstrates that you lot value yourself.

Now, there's a fine line between taking care of yourself for the correct and incorrect reasons. If y'all practise these things I outline below in order to become others to similar you, y'all've already lost (that's needy behavior, remember?). You should take care of yourself because you lot genuinely want to exist a healthy, intelligent, well-rounded private for the sake of beingness a healthy, intelligent, well-rounded private who values your own self-worth over what others think of y'all.

Retrieve of it this style: people won't love you until you lot honey yourself.

Dating advice: take care of yourself first

So with that said, here's a list of some of the major areas of your life you lot should focus on starting time (if y'all don't already):

Wellness

Taking care of your physical and mental health is the single biggest step yous can take towards improving your life. It has the biggest, most indelible impact on nearly every other area of your life, including dating and relationships.iii

Besides making you lot expect better, eating correct and exercising consistently only makes yous experience better on a twenty-four hours-to-day ground. When you feel better—when you take more energy and your mood is raised a picayune—it's a lot easier to go your ass out of the firm and into the world so you tin can engage with people genuinely and confidently. You're too more pleasant to be around.iv

And if you have any past traumas or psychological issues that demand to be dealt with, practice it. Talk to friends and relatives and become therapy if yous need it.5 You're ultimately the 1 who can assist yourself the about, but it'southward okay if y'all need a picayune help in this expanse. Get it taken care of.

Finances

Money is a major source of stress for a lot of people. It can be then stressful, in fact, that most people finish up ignoring a lot of their financial bug altogether. This, in turn, leads to a brutal cycle, where ignoring your money issues just makes them worse and you cease upwardly even more than stressed as fourth dimension goes on.

Long-term stress similar this makes you less attractive. It saps your energy, causes health issues,6 and by and large makes you lot a dick to be around. And then if this describes you, information technology's fourth dimension to get real nigh your finances.

Learn about personal finance. Cutting out waste and find ways to brand more money in the curt and long term. Open a savings account for emergencies. Pay downward debt as apace every bit possible. Learn the basics of investing.

In short, go this expanse of your life handled so it'due south not dragging you lot down in other areas.

Career

To put it frankly, no one wants to be around someone—let alone appointment someone—who complains near their chore all the time. Look, I get it, not everyone tin can have their dream jobs or showtime a billion-dollar business tomorrow. We're all born with varying levels of raw talent in i area or some other, and sometimes our talents and passions tin be turned into careers. Other times, nosotros have to work "normal" jobs to make ends meet and pursue our talents and passions on the side.

Merely regardless of your current state of affairs, there is admittedly some action you tin can take, right now, towards finding meaningful work that y'all enjoy, or at least work you don't dread. Apply for new jobs. Go to job fairs and network with people. Have classes and develop useful skills that you savor. Acquire how to interview better and how to negotiate amend terms of employment.

Social life

If you finish upward at the aforementioned three or four bars with the same three or iv people every weekend and and so wonder why you tin't meet interesting, bonny people who yous tin can connect with—well, just think almost how backward that is for a moment.

Developing an agile social life not simply makes for a more fulfilling, enjoyable life, information technology also puts you in contact with more (and dissimilar) people, upping your chances of coming together someone you click with.

I'll cover this more in the next section, but for now, a few ideas to get you started are things like exploring new hobbies and interests, taking an art course, signing up for martial arts or yoga, joining a community sports league, etc. Do things that go you off your ass and out interacting with people. This volition pay off immensely in all areas of your life.

***

You'll observe that all of these areas have quite a bit of time and try to develop. In fact, y'all'll probably never cease working on each of them to some degree, and that'southward okay. The best style to get these areas of your life handled is to develop healthy, consistent habits around them.

And the point isn't to achieve some country of nirvana in your life where you take six-pack abs, a bazillion dollars, and a packed social schedule with thousands of friends and then, FINALLY, y'all'll suddenly find true dear. The point is to just always be working towards being the all-time version of yourself y'all can be at any given fourth dimension.

Are you deeply interested in social justice? Are you a health nut? Are you a political party animal or socialite? Are you lot really into art and music? Or maybe y'all beloved the outdoors?

Develop your interests kickoff, simply for the joy and pleasure you get from experiencing them. Then, as a byproduct, you will run into people who share your values and are attracted to you based on who you are, rather than what you say or how you human action.

Here's a slightly ridiculous case to illustrate my point: an intelligent woman who's devoted to her career equally a scientist probably won't have the best luck meeting men she'south compatible with by competing in wet T-shirt contests.

Not that everyone who goes to wet T-shirt contests is stupid, it's but that she'd be better off developing more intellectual pursuits she's interested in so she tin can meet people whose interests and values are more aligned with her own. Things like signing up for language classes, volunteering at a local museum, attending art galleries and lectures, and so on.

Dating advice: where to find love

So if you lot're really into sci-fi or Dungeons and Dragons or 8th-century Medieval art, don't get to clubs and bars looking for love. Similarly, if yous like tranquillity nights at habitation and enjoy knitting, joining a skydiving club might not be the first place yous should look to expand your social circle and run into potential dates.

It's okay to experiment with expanding your interests, but as ever, practise it for you, not to come across Mr./Mrs. Perfect.

A give-and-take on online dating and apps

I don't call back in that location's anything inherently wrong with online dating and studies have shown that more than and more than people are meeting online and having long-term relationships.7 Information technology's definitely doable and it tin be a groovy mode to meet people, especially if you're new to a urban center, extremely busy with work, or only "getting back out in that location."

With that said, most people don't use online dating very finer. If you're having bug with people being flaky and/or lukewarm, well I hate to be the ane to tell yous this, but it's non them, it'southward y'all.

Yous see, online dating and dating apps are peachy for meeting people quickly and efficiently—and that's about it. After that, information technology's upwardly to yous to be bold and conspicuously communicate what you're looking for.

This will freak some people out. This volition cause some people to "ghost" on you. And I'm here to tell you this is a good affair.

Remember almost information technology: the people who freak out and ghost on you, they are the flakes and wishy-washy people you're and so tired of going on dates with. It's best to weed them out as quickly equally possible and non play into their wishy-washy games. This is doubly true the older you become.

If you tell someone on a showtime engagement that you're looking for a long-term human relationship and it scares them off, so you just did your future self a huge favor. If simply stating your general intentions freaks somebody out, then the reality is that they don't desire the same thing every bit you and/or they take their ain issues to work out. Learn to see information technology as a blessing when someone eliminates themselves for you.

Your task is to simply express yourself honestly and not exist aback of that.

There is a dizzying amount of dating advice out in that location and near of information technology, I'grand sad to say, is bullshit. And so much of it focuses on the "tactics" and "strategies" of attracting someone that it completely misses the whole point of the joy of coming together someone you lot connect with.

"Say this, don't say that. Wait 3.46 days before calling/texting them dorsum. Touch them on the left arm one time every 7 minutes while sub-communicating your sociosexual status. Smile, but not Too much. Human action subtly interested, but non Also eager. Always keep them guessing to continue up the 'mystery'."

Yeah, fuck that.

Look, role of being a mature, performance adult in the world is being able to communicate and express yourself honestly on an emotional level.8 For many people, specially those who've had troubles in their romantic lives, this is hard. They've either never been taught how to be vulnerable in a salubrious way, or they've gotten and so jaded near dating that they figure, what'south the point? And so they put up their guard before anyone has the chance to actually get to know who they really are.

Vulnerability, when done correctly, is actually a testify of forcefulness and power. Telling someone yous like them and desire to get to know them better doesn't "give them all the power" unless you lot're entirely invested in the way they respond to you.

Dating advice: honesty and vulnerability

If, instead, yous are only expressing yourself to brand your desires known and y'all're willing to accept the consequences, expert or bad, others will find that. And it's incredibly attractive.

I've written about vulnerability before. So yous tin can read more than on that if you think yous need to piece of work on beingness more vulnerable.9

Simply before moving on, I want to brand something clear virtually beingness vulnerable: this is not another "tactic" or "strategy" to apply to get people to similar you. That, by definition, is neediness (we e'er come up back to neediness, don't we?).

A person who is truly secure and comfortable with beingness vulnerable is simply expressing themselves and saying, "This is who I am, faults and all. You lot don't have to similar me for me to exist OK with that."

And when people don't like y'all for who you are? Well then, fuck 'em.

More Articles on Communication and Vulnerability

  • Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships
  • 6 Toxic Human relationship Habits Nearly People Retrieve Are Normal
  • 6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Call up Are Toxic
  • Mayhap You Don't Know What Love Is
  • Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships
  • How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship
  • five Relationship Books Everyone Should Read

Some people think my views towards romantic relationships are a little extreme sometimes. And I become it, I often apply extreme examples to illustrate my point when it comes to things like values and boundaries. A lot of people think I'm suggesting that you just seek perfection in your love life, which simply results in unrealistic expectations, which then results in thwarting because no 1 is perfect.

Well, of course, everyone has faults. Information technology'southward impossible to find someone without some emotional baggage or insecurities.

The real question is, how do nosotros deal with it? I've previously talked almost how to discover emotionally manipulative behavior and how to avoid people who brandish it. These are people who have bug and baggage and used them as a weapon with the men they date.

Hither, I want to talk about what traits to actively look for in a relationship partner when deciding to engagement or commit to them, baggage and insecurities and all.

(Spoiler Alarm: You desire to await for people who manage their insecurities well.)

Learning the Hard Way

My starting time handful of meaning relationships were mired with a lot of manipulation and victim/rescuer dynamics. These relationships were great learning experiences, merely they also caused me a smashing deal of hurting that I had to eventually learn from.

Information technology wasn't until I managed to find myself in relationships with some emotionally good for you women who were able to manage their flaws well that I really learned what to look for when dating someone.

And I discovered in this time that there was one trait in a adult female that I absolutely must have to be in a human relationship with her, and it was something that I would never compromise on again (and I haven't). Some of us are unwilling to compromise on superficial traits: looks, intelligence, teaching, etc. Those are important, but if there'due south ane trait that I've learned you should never compromise on, it's this:

The power to see one's own flaws and be accountable for them.

Because the fact is that problems are inevitable. Every relationship will encounter fights and each person will sew against their emotional luggage at various times. How long the relationship lasts and how well it goes comes down to both people existence willing and able to recognize the snags in themselves and communicate them openly.

Couple on a bench

Think of your love interest and ask yourself, "If I gave him/her honest, constructive criticism near how I call up he/she could be better, how would they react?" Would they throw a huge fit? Cause drama? Arraign you and criticize you dorsum? Merits y'all don't dear them? Storm out and make you chase afterward them?

Or would they capeesh your perspective, and even if hurts a little or if it's uncomfortable, even if at that place was a little bit of an emotional outburst at beginning, would they eventually consider it and be willing to talk nigh it? Without blaming or shaming. Without causing unnecessary drama. Without trying to make you jealous or angry.

No?

Then they're not dating material.

But — here's the million dollar question — think of that same love involvement, and at present imagine that they gave you lot constructive criticism and pointed out what they believed to exist your biggest flaws and blind spots. How would you react? Would you castor it off? Would yous place the blame on them or call them names? Would you logically try to contend your mode out of it? Would y'all become angry or insecure?

Chances are you would. Chances are the other person would too. Virtually people do. And that's why they end upwards dating each other.

Having open, intimate conversations with someone where yous're able to openly talk about one another'south flaws without resorting to blaming or shaming is mayhap the hardest affair to do in any relationship. Very few people are capable of it. To this day, when I sit down down with my girlfriend, or my father, or one of my best friends and take one of these conversations, I feel my chest tighten, my stomach turn in a knot, my artillery sweat.

Information technology'southward non pleasant. Only it's admittedly mandatory for a healthy long-term relationship. And the merely fashion you find this in a person is by budgeted the entire relationship — from the moment you commencement run into them — with honesty and integrity, by expressing your emotions and sexuality without blame or shame, and not degenerating into bad habits of playing games or stirring up drama.

Suppressing or over-expressing your emotions volition attract someone who also suppresses or over-expresses their emotions. Expressing your emotions in a healthy manner will concenter someone who likewise expresses their emotions in a salubrious manner.

Y'all may think a person similar this doesn't exist. That they're a unicorn. But you'd be surprised. Your emotional integrity naturally self-selects the emotional integrity of the people yous meet and date. And when you fix yourself, as if by some magical crook code, the people y'all meet and date become more and more than functional themselves. And the obsession and feet of dating dissolves and becomes unproblematic and clear. The process ceases to be a long and analytical one just a short and pleasant one. The way she cocks her head when she smiles. The way your eyes light up a niggling bit more when you talk to him.

Your worries will dissolve. And regardless of what happens, whether yous're together for a minute, a month or a lifetime, all there is is acceptance.

Years agone, I wrote a post called "Fuck Yes or No". People liked it. They shared it on Facebook and sent it to their friends. They posted it on their dating profiles. They called their mothers crying and asked why they weren't taught this in school. They nominated me for a Nobel Prize.

OK, that last part didn't happen, only the betoken is that information technology resonated with a lot of people.

The Police force of Fuck Yes or No is quite simple:

The Constabulary of "Fuck Aye or No" states that, in dating and relationships, both parties must be a "fuck yes" nearly each  other. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don't have fourth dimension for people who they are non excited to exist with and who are non excited to be with them.

The Police force of Fuck Yes or No applies to meeting and dating someone, sex, long-term relationships, hell, even friendships.

If yous meet someone and ane or both of you aren't a "fuck yes" for seeing each other once again, that's a "fuck no." If you become on a commencement appointment and aren't a "fuck yes" about a second date, that's a "fuck no."

And it's not just idealistic, passionate romance I'm talking nigh here. Y'all might be going through a rough patch with someone, only you're both a "fuck aye" for working on it. Awesome. Do that.

Dating advice: fuck yes or no

If you've been with someone for years and 1 or both of you aren't a "fuck yes" for beingness together for the foreseeable future, that's a "fuck no."

In whatsoever long-term human relationship, problems arise and arguments are leap to happen. But a good sign of existence "fuck yes" with someone is that yous still want to be together even when y'all're pissing each other off.10

The bespeak isn't that you won't have any apprehensions if yous're "the one" for each other. The point is that y'all detect yourselves saying "fuck yes" together for each stride in the relationship despite the apprehensions y'all might take. From the first date to the second date to the 100th date, to doing the naked horizontal electrical slide together, to making information technology "official," to fighting with each other, to moving in together, to getting married, to buying insurance together, and so on.

When y'all call up nigh information technology, the Police of Fuck Yes or No is actually a byproduct of everything we've covered so far. Non-needy people who accept care of themselves and communicate honestly don't have time for people who play games or are wishy-washy about being with them. They have too much self-respect and don't intendance most what wishy-washy people think of them.

And so, if you take nothing else away from this, just know that the way to find true dearest is to be the best version of yourself and practise it unapologetically and without shame. You'll attract people into your life who connect with you on your level and, just every bit chiefly, you'll weed out all the people who don't.

And that's the whole bespeak, isn't it?